Each time you get a backlog of success, your darker angels come for a visit.
Friendly enough to start. They will sit with you and fill in something you believe is missing.
But it’s not missing. You’re lack of letting it be and being still is.
You’re unfounded need to fill that gap has been with you for a very long time.
When will you stop fumbling to unnecessarily fill it?
When will you just permit the stillness to happen?
Don’t you want to feel less remorse? Regret? Fear that the darker angel has created lurking trouble for you?
What is better to give up? That which you have built. Or that which happens in the darker corners where those angels live?
Which is a better path? That with them, or without?
That with their mischief, or without?
That with the various sorts of crumbs left behind, or without?
At this point, you should not even need to ask these questions. The road should be so well marked that you don’t need even the shortest directions or reminders to get back from your straying.
It’s been far too easy to get in your own way. Far too easy to let them lead. To live in those darker corners, albeit short durations.
You have had some scraps at the bottom. Perhaps. you really have not raced for it yet. Why not though? You have had ample opportunity to have indulged in experiences that will facilitate your sprint down. Never went all the way. Never cashed in that ticket.
Maybe you do in fact have that ability to regulate. Still yourself enough to brace well enough to not land at the bottom. Or you have actually hit it so many times, it's home, and you are oblivious.
If it is home. Will you stay? Why would you? It can’t be a very good one.
If you do in fact have the right gauges to bounce. Can you tune those to a level that you can avoid the scraps? Can you adjust them to a point where you don’t entertain those darker angles, and avoid the bottom even for brief visits?
Is it not energy inefficient to visit the bottom. Sure the momentary euphoria is a boost. But it’s short-lived. That little bit of puffery and float is really not much of a rush is it?
But will your ego allow you to really grow up?
What good model have you seen for this behavior? Who, what, where, why, and when has taught you this is beneficial? Acceptable and sustainable?
Again. Why should there be any debate in you? This cyclical debate. Or is it. I don’t think it is. I think it’s always been with you and driving you from within. I think it’s had more control than you think. And ability you’re to rebound, really never has been a strength that you believe it to be. You have crashed many times and the concussions so many that you’ve just been foggy.
Clear up. Go with the stillness the next time that darker angel shows up with one of many distractive options. Less to figure out. More to enjoy.